Ready to Not Be Ready

So I can still vividly remember the day D decided he was ready for children…

Let me back up a bit. I am a planner, even if they don’t work out…I still plan. I need a plan. When I was younger I had a plan. Married at 22, kids at 25. I was pretty close.  I was married at 23. Early in our marriage I wanted kids, but D wasn’t ready. D is a year younger than me and normally this isn’t something I even remember, but when discussing kids…every minute detail matters. Then 25 rolled around, I realized that I was not ready for kids. I still felt like one myself. D and I were on different shifts and life was hard for us. 

Ever since D wasn’t ready for kids, I had asked God if He would tell D when it was time and not me. I have tendencies to be flighty, impetuous and impulsive. I knew that when D was ready then it was meant to be.

So one day we were just sitting watching TV. Out of the blue, D announces that he’s ready for kids…ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Now, doesn’t it sound like this would make my day? Nope. This had the extreme opposite reaction on me. Thoughts of terror and being trapped flooded my mind. All I could think was “I AM NOT READY.” No way, no how. But I had always asked that God would tell D first. How could I ignore that?

I told D that I would need some time, and he was terrific about it. I’m still not sure why he wasn’t so shocked by my petrified reaction. I took some time though, and I prayed about it. I trusted that God would help me to want this too, if it really was to be. After a couple of weeks I was ready to not be ready.

Of course we didn’t get pregnant right away, and that was great. Tough to go through, but each time the answer was no, my heart wanted a yes more and more. By the time we found out that Little G was going to be it was honestly the best thing that could have happened.