This is hard to admit. I have found that point. The one where it’s just too hard. I didn’t think I would reach this point, perhaps I was just being naïve. I thought I could handle it all. Baby G was tough, really really tough, but we made it. But as I write this post at 1am I realize how wrong I was and how much harder it’s going to get.
This week has been so hard. The doctor told us that G needs to lose the pacifier, he had a gap starting in his teeth. So we said goodbye to the pacifiers that very night. 1 week ago.
The first night wasn’t the horror stories I had always heard so much about, it was just sad. There was no crying, no tantrums, G just couldn’t fall asleep. About 5 minutes before he finally fell asleep we heard through the monitor, “Pacifier… where are you? I can’t find you.” It was so heart wrenching, like we took away his best friend, and I felt like the worst parent ever.
The next morning there was one similar comment and after that we haven’t heard the word pacifier mentioned. Except that it takes him 2+ hours to fall asleep (and he’s starting to get sick from it) this has gone very well.
All until today.
Today he spent the day and part of the night with Grandma. Apparently he asked for his “pacer” at naptime. I guess she had trouble getting him to sleep. She rocks him to sleep, but we do not. We have a routine and let him fall asleep on his own. Well when she finished reading the third book she said that was enough. G didn’t like that and head butted her in the mouth really hard. At this, Grandma yelled at him (which rarely if ever happens). So G went to bed crying and very unhappy.
A couple of hours after he fell asleep unhappy we took him home. Normally we can pull this off without a problem, but this time he woke up and was hysterical. We couldn’t calm him down, the drive was tough, changing his diaper was tough, putting on pjs was tough. And he appeared to have a sore throat. We gave him some ibuprophen. But still, no sleep. We got close to sleep, really really close twice, but no such luck. At this point it’s 12:30 am and I am exhausted. Holding and rocking G at this point in my pregnancy has become painful after a few minutes so I decided to bring G into our bed, where he insisted on a pacifier. And we broke down. But we didn’t give him his normal one, we used the one that’s good for his teeth. Well that didn’t go over well. He threw the pacifier at me, looked at me and then head butted me right in face.
With a flash of pain I jumped back and let out a scream. I couldn’t help it. D grabbed G (scaring him in the process) laid him back on the bed and told him firmly that it wasn’t nice, he hurt mommy etc. He told him to say sorry, but all G would do was say “nope” over and over again.
And this is when I found that point. It’s is too hard, being the bad guy is too hard. Teaching him the right things is too hard. His head butt was on purpose. He looked me in the eyes and then hurt me on purpose. He refused to say sorry.
Did he care? Could he be like the child I saw on TV (yes TV, I have an active imagination) and really be a sociopath? In that moment I realized it was all too hard. I couldn’t do it and I was doomed to fail. I didn’t want to be a parent. And now we are going to parent a second child…. so I cried.
I never thought I would reach this point. I am not proud.
It is hard, really really hard.
I’m better now. I see the truth of it. I can only imagine how much harder it is going to get as he gets older. Parenting is tough business. Am I up for the challenge? Despite my moment of weakness, yes I am. But I don’t think I’ll be forgetting this night anytime soon.